The See Through Mirror

All Things End

2012-01-16T23:13:00.005-05:00

I think we struggle our whole lives to come to terms with this seemingly devastating truth. The scale at which we think of this fact varies as we age through understanding; first we think, "This cup of milk is empty", and later, "This relationship is over." Eventually as the complexity of our lives seeps into our consciousness, it sets in that we, too, come to an end.

Although our universe is over 13 billion years old, we still live in an incredibly early stage of it. We understand that all of the points of light in the sky are balls of matter that expand, shrink, explode and eventually fizzle out. We can predict that eventually all of the stars in the sky will cease to emit light -- the white dwarves will cool off, transform into black dwarves, and the last matter inside of those almost lightless forms in space will eventually evaporate into radiation. One day, too, the only remaining bits of matter inside of black holes will turn into energy, and all of this heat will tend towards the same temperature. Eventually there will be no more time -- no changes between the past, present and future. The universe, like all things, will end.

But what about the things that are eternal? If we can't change the past, then is it not something that is eternal? Do the things in the past exist forever -- exist forever in the sense that they will always be in the past? Or is existence only defined by the things that are in the now, and those things that are abstract constructs of our past are merely figments of our imagination?

Can anything other than energy be eternal if our entire universe is moving towards a lightless, matter-less state?

Haha, I don't know for sure, but I do like to think about the energy that flows within me, within my brain and my heart, my body and my senses, as being something that has always existed and always will exist as it moves out of me and throughout the universe. But maybe I'm just comforting myself.

I think that humanity's grip on ideas of eternal love, the soul, cyclical stories of life, death, rebirth, etc. are all proof of our tendency to shy away from the idea that all things end. Why are we afraid of this concept? Isn't the idea that we've got one shot, a single, teeny, tiny, seemingly infinitely minute amount of time in this universe a reason to appreciate every single moment of it? Is it not a reason to wake up every day aware of our societal constructs, of our beautiful diversity, of the miracle of our lives, our advancements, our knowledge, and feel pure joy?

A lot of the inspiration for this post came from Brian Cox and his BBC special "Wonders of the Universe" where he discusses the heat death of the universe. While it is only a theory, it is one that resonates with me as I struggle to come to terms with the answers I find to some of "life's most enduring questions". Give it a watch if you'd like to get goosebumps by the amazing cinematography, beautiful music, and awe-inspiring cosmological topics in the show.

Life Forms

2012-01-13T00:16:00.007-05:00

I watched the first episode of "Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking" titled Aliens tonight (before painting my nails and electrocuting the enemies of my Sith Sorcerer in SWTOR), and it brought up an important point that I think scientists commonly forget and often misconstrue. Hawking presented the idea that there may be life forms out there that do not operate similarly to us in any way -- they don't need water, carbon, or perhaps various other things we humans cannot exist without. (We know that these types of life forms exist or can be created on Earth now, which is pretty amazing). He posited the idea that perhaps life exists in one of the most seemingly unlikely places: inside the heart of a star. Maybe if we saw this life, it would be completely unrecognizable to us; we would look upon it and think "well, that is clearly inanimate and therefore not alive".

More and more I'm finding articles about newly discovered life forms created or found in nature that go against our previously held understanding and definition of life, and these sorts of discoveries excite me. Stephen Hawking could be absolutely right, and it may change the way we search for extra terrestrial life in the future.

But here's what bothers me: often times people think negatively about the idea of an alien life form coming to earth. "They'll destroy our planet for resources", they say. They justify this hypothesis by comparing these aliens to us, claiming that if we went to another planet that we would use it for its resources before moving elsewhere in the universe. Now, I think it's fair to make hypotheses about our actions when visiting other planets and planets with life, and if we want to think about these aliens as being similar to us in any way, I can understand why people jump to negative conclusions -- but if we found another Earth, would we really destroy the life on it for personal gain? As far as we know now, life, the scientifically accepted definition of it, is relatively rare. (Statistically we believe that there must be other life that exists in the universe, but we haven't found any yet). If we ever found a planet anything like Earth, I doubt so much that we would strip it of its resources and move on. The life on Earth is absolutely amazing, and I can only imagine that the life on other Goldilocks planets must, too, be amazing. I even think that we would make sacrifices in order to preserve that life. I like to think that if aliens came to Earth, and if they were anything like us, that they would see the beauty of this planet and value its preservation. They would study the life and try to understand it scientifically to expand their knowledge and intelligence, just like I think we would do.

While I enjoy hypothesizing about the nature and behavior of E.T.s, I have a hard time accepting the sensationalism that surrounds doomsday theories that involve them. How can we even begin to claim that intelligent extraterrestrial life that has the capability to travel across galaxies would ever think, feel, or function in any way like us? If they were similar to us, then why would we assume that they would do us harm? Why would we assume that they would do good to us?

We don't know, and like many of the larger questions in life (is there a God? Is there a soul? What is our purpose? Why are we here?), we really don't know the answer. And instead of clinging onto a hypothesis that has no proof, I want to spend my life being okay with the Question Mark. I want to spend my life working towards understanding and accepting the fact that I don't know, and even though I will spend my life looking for the answers, I may never know -- and that's OK.

The Bigger Picture

2012-01-11T21:02:00.010-05:00

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I think the first half of Daniel Goldstein's talk about the struggle between the future self and the present self poses some interesting questions. He explains about the losing battle of the future self. This future version of us isn't around all of the time to tell us about what they value and how my actions now directly affect them and their happiness, health, and well-being. I had never thought about my future as it's own version of me. Putting my present goals, values and beliefs into a version of me now + the sum of my actions has made me feel much more self aware. I usually think about the future from various points of view, through specific and narrow lenses that separate my career self from my family self from my social self. But when I realize that it's me with all my complexities and facets and feelings and hopes and dreams, I am reminded that I care for that person.

I was inspired to continue to think about Goldstein's initial points and further develop questions of my own: How many future self constructs do we have? Are we bound by a singular understanding of a future self or can we begin to comprehend ourselves as a truly, larger, whole self -- as a humanity? And finally, looping back into Goldstein's main question, are we capable of feeling motivated to work towards positive or ideal future selves without a commitment device? He thinks so, but I'm not entirely convinced.

A common commitment device I think we easily forget about is regret. I had a conversation with a friend today that reminded me of this difficult feeling. Why do people do things that they put subject to this self affliction? Or to be more specific -- why do people do things that they know they will regret later? I've always been amazed at how we can all think of something we've done in the past that we knew damn well that we would regret later; we thought to ourselves, either consciously or subconsciously, "well, I know I'll regret this later but I'll do it anyway." It's easy to see why people do things they regret in general -- I mean, things are always different with 20/20 hindsight, right? But to be able to turn off that empathy with your future self that you know you'll have to live with (at least until you forget what you did) is different entirely. I think Goldstein's example of the Donut is a good one to ponder on.

Am I the only one who is slightly more concerned for humanity when I consider how shitty we treat our own, singular future selves? The fear of regret just sometimes isn't enough of a commitment device to think about our future selves' well being, and to me that is frightening when I think about how our decisions today impact the future of humanity. If we can't even empathize with ourselves enough to change our actions, how are we capable of doing it for people we don't even know or that don't exist yet?

I put the quote about strength at the beginning of this post because I think strength is related. Like Goldstein mentions, the concern for the future self is really a test of will. Do we have the strength of will to keep to our goals and think about the betterment of our future selves? Frankly, while I think the rest of his talk is a bit less interesting, I commend his work for attempting to get people to empathize with that future self and change their behavior based upon that empathy, I just wonder if it can work. Like I mention earlier, if commitment devices like regret don't really work all of the time, well then it sounds like strength is our only option, right? "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." -- Unknown

Think about it for yourself -- Do you have the strength to prevent your future self from feeling regret towards the things you knew you had the power avoid?

Are you being a person today that your future you will regret?

Wake Up

2011-12-30T09:41:00.004-05:00

It has been far too long since I've taken the time to write out my cerebration, and while I think of this as a somewhat sad thing, there has been much to keep me busy (and happy!) in life. This has been the first wintertime since I believed in snow days that I've felt truly happy during this dark and dreary time of year. Time is flying by me faster and faster, and before I even realized it, I'm sitting at my computer blasting Gemini's Graduation track and gearing up for the new year. Time goes on and on.

The video above reminds me of all of the things I have to be happy about in this coming 2012. I have hope that the humanity of the future Carl Sagan speaks about is coming -- it's close, and I hope that 2012 will forever be remembered for playing its part in the betterment of humankind. I hope that we can begin to agree -- to truly agree, understand, empathize, and know what truths exist and how we can use those to be better, happier, and intelligent.

There are so many exciting reasons to be alive!

Stress Refief

2011-03-26T20:58:00.007-04:00

"Go[ing] with the flow will make your transition ever so much easier."

I went out to dinner with roommates/senior capstone teammates Sara Seffels and Alexander May and received this fortune cookie. With graduation just a few weeks away, it felt very fitting to receive this (although unfortunately I couldn't eat the cookie.. explained later). We had spent the whole day working with our team on Mountain, and it's really coming together. We've finished up a lot of the meshing, and most of our mechanics are in and ready for Beta on Thursday. We are SO CLOSE, and I can feel us creeping towards completion.

Other than working on senior team, my other classes are going smoothly. I was a bit out of commission for a few days because I had a lot of dental work done. I had a root canal and crown put on and ended up being at the dentist for 4 hours. It was a pretty intense experience, but I'm happy it's done, and it was important for me to do. All in all it ended up being really expensive, but it could have been a lot worse if I had waited any longer. It's made it difficult to eat (yay soups!), and Advil has been my best friend. It was definitely something to remember.

Spending the day on Mountain was exactly what I needed to feel close to graduation. The mountain of work (no pun intended) I feel in front of me feels much smaller now -- even doable! And work on Arookoo continues to be exciting and interesting.

Job things have also been exciting lately on many fronts, and I can't wait to see how these opportunities pan out. I'm so excited for the future. Life is great.

GDC Reflection

2011-03-10T10:32:00.002-05:00

The Game Developer's Conference this year was a blast. I always enjoy having the chance to network and learn new things, and when both of those things happen successfully I feel great. I took a lot of notes at the sessions I was able to make it to, and I think that they will help me prepare for the job hunt.

GDC this year was doubly exciting because I got the chance to spend some time with my boss, Mark Baxter, from Fit Brains. It was great to finally meet him in person and pick his brain about social games, the game industry, and life. We had a great time romping around the city, staying out late with some of my other colleagues, and getting a nice taste of San Francisco.

This trip was quite different from last year. I am graduating in just 7 weeks, and I could actually approach this conference as a way to seek employment. I have a portfolio website now, things that are completed that I feel proud of, and a few more years of experience under my belt. I actually feel ready to enter into the full-time industry world. And that alone made the experience quite different.

I hope that I can continue to go to GDC every year. I feel that staying connected with the development community is important, and it's a great way to do so.

February? Gone.

2011-03-01T11:17:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting on an airplane on my way to GDC right this very second.

Somehow February seemed to go by in a blink of an eye -- maybe that's because those few days missing can make that much of a difference.

A lot of great things happened this month. Mountain made it through Alpha and has a fully playable game from start to finish completed. A lot of work has to be done still, but it's in a good state and is on its way to something greater. Many of the other senior projects are also looking great, and I'm excited to see them move towards completion. The reality of the closing chapter in my life is really setting in, and it's daunting/exciting/crazyridiculousscary.

I've put together most of my portfolio website. 4 projects are currently live, although 2 of them still need lots of work and could use some additional images. It's difficult to balance the want to explain my experience and the game in detail with the need to be concise and marketable. I've got some more I could put up there, and as the project with Vivity Labs continues I'll be looking to put that up as well. This is a fairly slow process, I'm finding, especially on top of all of my other school work, but it's coming along. I'm still working on it now, and I can only hope that it reaches a respectable state before the end of Spring Break.

Ryan and I have tickets to PAX East for Friday, and I'll be apartment hunting during the week of Spring Break. I've been job searching in the area and all across the US with the hopes that I'll have a job upon graduation. I can hope, can't I?

Anyway, my excitement is running high now. I'm happy to get some time away from Burlington, and I am looking forward to the weeks ahead.

Contract Design Work

2011-01-30T11:42:00.005-05:00

I'm pleased announce that I have started another contract with Vivity Labs/Fit Brains in Vancouver and am joining the team as a Game Designer. This time I'll be working on content and systems design, and I'm really looking forward to that. I can't say much about the project yet, but it's in the works, and I'm excited.

You can check out what I worked on for Fit Brains in the past by going here. Word Power: The Green Revolution is the game I focused on, and it was an awesome experience. I'm so excited to be working with them again!

Brahma Kumaris

2011-01-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

The Brahma Kumaris, or the BK's as they call themselves sometimes, are a spiritual group located throughout the world. I had the extreme pleasure of representing the Emergent Media Center with a small group of students at their Peace Village in the Catskills of New York state to brainstorm game ideas to help teach young people about their Spotlight Values. I had an incredible time.

Each morning started with a half an hour meditation; all of our meals were vegetarian (and delicious!); the place immediately felt calm, warm and relaxing, and the whole time I was there I felt more motivated, engaged and on point.

This trip was exactly what I needed.

It was great to meet Rene Hidalgo, an audio producer at Ubisoft in Montreal who came with us on the trip, and I hope that the positivity I took from this trip will resonate within me for the rest of the semester.

Portfolio Versus Personal

2011-01-11T09:53:00.001-05:00

I'm going through a difficult debate.

My portfolio website is under construction and can be found at www.heatherconover.com, but I'm almost positive that if someone was to attempt to find me on a search engine that the first thing that would come up is this blog.

This is a personal space for me. It is a place where I can dive into the other facets of my life that aren't necessarily involving game design and development. So much of this web space has been a reflection of my growth as an individual and less so about my growth as a professional -- (perhaps those are one in the same?) Either way, I'm not entirely sure if I should directly link to this place from my professional blog. If I don't, am I denying a huge part of my internet presence? Should I just embrace it as part of who I am online?

These questions lead me to evaluate who I am online versus who I am in the real world. I'd like to think that they aren't different from one another, yet it's difficult to know. Doubting that differentiation leads me to believe that what I'd like to think is actually reality. There are many people that acknowledge and embrace their different persona that exist in the digital space. Perhaps I just haven't come to terms with mine yet :P.

I've only got 3 months left until a degree is in my hands and my life transition is kicked into overdrive. I have so many mixed feelings -- excitement, anticipation, relief, nervousness, anxiety -- I know they are all affecting me at the same time, and I'm in a weird place. I have to push hard to stay motivated now and finish my degree with no regrets.

Exciting Transitions

2011-01-02T14:47:00.004-05:00

It's been a while.

Somehow it's a new year already. 2011-- bring it on. This is the year of many changes, and I can't wait.

A lot of exciting things have happened this past semester. My senior team project game went forward, which means that Mountain will see a full production cycle with new team members, new creativity, and new directions. I'm incredibly hopeful and excited for the future of this project.

I also purchased my GDC ticket. Another trip out to San Fran during the dingiest, darkest, most depressing part of the year will be exactly what I need to pick me up. I'm excited to get out there and see what the industry has to offer, and I can't wait to show what I have to offer it. It's time to polish up that resume, get that portfolio website live, and figure out the best way to present myself as a capable and enthusiastic game developer.

Damn... do I really only have 4 months left?

Sommet international du jeu de Montréal 2010!

2010-11-10T10:45:00.003-05:00

MIGS 2010 seemed like a completely different conference from the one I went to over 2 years ago. It was in a different location, which I think was a huge part of it, but the atmosphere and the way I felt while there has changed.

The first time I went to MIGS I was merely a Sophomore in College. Nerves were high, for on the last session of the conference I was to help give a presentation about Breakaway (although it wasn't called that at the time). I didn't feel qualified by any means, nor did I feel ready to apply for jobs and put myself out there.

This year was totally different. I'm graduating in less than half a year, and I'm in a totally different mindset about my qualifications and readiness to get out into the industry. I have a different view of Montreal now, too. After living in this city, it doesn't feel nearly as foreign. I'm open to the possibility of living anywhere now, so I'll see where my path ends up when I get there.

MIGS overall was great this year, but the absence of Gamma was definitely prevalent. I look forward to going again and again in the future.

Words

2010-10-25T14:13:00.003-04:00

"Please write down a list of words that you consider to be game changing, words that have the power to completely change a situation".

The room went silent, and I sat still. I looked down at the blank page in front of me and thought about the words that really mean a lot to me. I thought about the situations I've been in where words have made so much difference -- where one word or phrase changed my emotional state completely.

The phrase "I'm sorry" came to mind after a short while. I sat quietly at my seat looking at the words and realized that there wasn't much else. The words, no matter the sincerity, always evoke a sense of understanding within me, a resolution of sorts, I suppose.

I've thought about this a lot -- this idea that there are words out there that, when said, have the power to completely change the situation. I think that "I'm sorry" is still one of the more powerful phrases out there, but the more I think about it the more it hits home about how subjective these types of words and phrases are. I'm sure that for some people an apology can be meaningless; for some people, words like "mother" or "hate" have a lot more power to change a situation. All of these things are dependent upon the cares and qualities of the persons involved. I'm pretty sure that the only reason why the phrase "I'm sorry" has so much power for me is because it is easy for me to forgive.

So, what about you?

Just getting it out there...

2010-10-22T19:47:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I posted last. I think ever since I heard about this space being used as an avenue for negativity towards me, I have felt apprehensive about writing in here. As always, I encourage feedback and discussion about the things I write, but it's unsettling to hear that it's behind my back or in some sarcastic anonymous blog comment. Either way, it's not in my control, so I'm doing my best to brush it off.

The irony here is that these persons are probably realizing now that I have a decent idea about who they are. To you -- know that no matter your opinion of me, I'll probably still smile at you and hold a casual conversation with you because I have come to terms with the fact that you don't feel like having the truth come up in conversation between us (or else you probably would have brought it up by now). Now you know that I know, and now you know that I don't care enough to change the way I interact with you or diminish the respect I hold for you.

A lot has happened, a lot is continuing to happen, and I'm floating on -- still listening to dubstep, still writing as much as I can (but this time in a journal and not on the web), and still dancing my heart out when I get the chance. Some things have changed, of course -- I'm dating a pretty incredible guy, writing fiction again, and feeling the end of college loom around the corner. While I used to feel only excitement for the end of this chapter, I now feel a bit more... mixed. I think a lot of people I know are probably having similar feelings right now. Such is the inevitable.

This is just a quick update, I suppose. Lots to do, of course.

Why I'm Doing This

2010-09-06T00:00:00.004-04:00

The existence of this is a risk. These words I write here are chosen carefully, yet they are distributed arbitrarily despite my uncertainty in their readiness to be read by just anyone. I don't think that this space is intended for everyone. I don't even think that I'm ready for them to be judged as harshly as I'm sure they are already.

So why do this?

I think I'd like to convince myself that only good can come from this. So far, good has come from it (meaningful conversations, interesting debates, and a job), and for the most part I think the bad has been shielded from me -- said behind closed doors out of my earshot and awareness. Nevertheless, I cannot be naive in thinking that every person who reads this cares about what is being written, finds it intellectually or emotionally stimulating, or even bothers to enter this space again.

So why do this?

I know that there are people who read this blog because they care for me, and a lot of the things that I feel and think about during my day are not expressed in any other space. Mom -- I know you're reading this now because you love me, and if all of the other reasons I write in this blog disappear, you will always be a reason for me.

I use this space to reflect a portion of my world view. Like the title of this blog intends to express, I truly believe that the world we each see is colored differently because it is a reflection of who we are -- a reflection of our world view -- and perhaps we can begin to understand the complexity of our varying perspectives by expressing them to one another.

I'm going to keep opening up. I'm going to keep being honest here, describing the things I find interesting despite their accuracy or relevance to someone else, until one day it doesn't fit with me anymore.

Judge, critique, think and feel as you will, and I encourage you to express that to me.

A Bit of Confirmation

2010-08-24T09:40:00.005-04:00

There is an important detail that I left out about Antonio Demazzio in my post titled Fun Nights and Realistic Choices. If you can recall, Antonio Demazzio has a very distinct disconnect in his brain that disallows the ability to feel emotion. The important thing that I forgot to mention about Antonio is that he is chronically indecisive. He cannot make decisions about the littlest things, and he would spend hours and hours debating decisions in his mind.

This person's story means a lot to me. It validates to me the value and importance of our emotions; it helps me come to terms with the times in my life that I have made decisions seemingly irrational that were based on emotion. The importance here is that I was capable of making a decision, even when the options seemed to make little sense. Knowing that a person who uses logic and rationality alone to make decisions ends up lost in an in-between gives me some peace of mind. My emotions aren't -wrong- as I sometimes think them to be. I'm on the path I want to be, I am working towards learning and growing into something that I am not certain is "good" (but something that I hope is), and I think this story helped me define that uncertainty.

Mid Week Last Week

2010-08-24T02:12:00.003-04:00

If I had written a post mid week last week, it would have discussed how frustrated I felt with my life. There was this lingering cloud of thought that focused around the fact that things in my life are changing without my control, and there is nothing I can do about it. The school year is approaching -- my internship and summer are consequently ending -- and I wasn't ready.

But things change. Attitudes and perspectives, especially emotionally focused ones, are like leaves in a strong breeze. They mostly pass through, each day bringing them somewhere new in my field of view. I'm focusing on the good things that come with this change now -- reconnecting friendships, learning, creating, and even building deeper bonds with someone special.

I'm glad I didn't write that post mid week last week.

Fun Nights and Realistic Choices

2010-08-18T18:18:00.006-04:00

I tend to notice the little things.

Like last night -- I had a pretty long day at work, felt tired and ready to crash on my drive home, but instead went to Alex's to hang with him and Joey. When I arrived, a delicious meal was waiting, and I felt so happy and thankful to have these guys in my life. We ate and chit chatted, smiled and played Munchkin, and I had an all around relaxing and fantastic evening.

I've once again been listening to Radiolab a lot recently, and there are several really interesting things I've learned about that have resonated with me.

There is a psychological condition called Cotard's Delusion where patients describe this intense and deep seeded feeling that what they see around them and who they are isn't real. Some are convinced that they are actually dead, and that this reality that surrounds them is purgatory, or hell, or just... an in between space on their journey to somewhere else. -- This distortion fascinates me because, well, what if they are right? I'll ask it. I'll ask that question: what if - they are right- ?

There was a man named Antonio Demazzio who would describe his emotional state as being "numb". He said he had no feeling, and the only thing he could feel was a disconnect between himself and his emotions. Now, I should preface this and say that this was from the Radiolab about Choice (in fact, that's the title of it). And I pulled this quote, listened to it over and over to get it right, for several reasons.

"The conventional theory is that a person without emotions would be perfectly rational -- that emotions somehow interferred with rationality -- that it got in the way, yet here was this guy who couldn't experience emotions, and he was pathologically indecisive."

-Radiolab, Choice

I'll explain the significance of this for me some other time, but it is significant to a particular degree.

Kickstarts

2010-08-13T13:55:00.003-04:00

My mindset is switching gears. It's time for me to accept the change that's coming in a few short weeks, depart from the norm that I've established working, living, and playing here, and revert back to the frame of mind that I've kept for the last 3 years. It'll be a strange and difficult transition I'm sure, but, like normal, it'll be exciting.

I visited Vermont last weekend, and I had a really fantastic time. People that were on the surface of my life really planted themselves as those I'd love to connect more with. These new friends opened their arms to me, and I felt welcomed and comfortable from the start. I'm really looking forward to staying with them again next weekend and kickstarting a fun-filled friendship.

I went to the Caspa show at the Middle East last week and had a BLAST. Dubstep has taken over a lot of my music recently, and I'm swimming in it. I can't stop listening to it -- and this song has taken over for the last few days. "And the love kickstarts again".

Deeper Meanings Within the Binary

2010-08-03T23:43:00.004-04:00

"On the second night thereafter, I spoke to my soul and said, 'This new world appears weak and artificial to me. Artificial is a bad word, but the mustard seed that grew into a tree, the word that was conceived in the womb of a virgin, became a God to whom the earth was subject." - C.G. Jung, Liber Novus, pg. 242.

An image captcha phrase for me the other day was "soul momentous", and that is not a bad word (or phrase). And in my world this phrase was the mustard seed that became a God to whom was subject, and I adored it.

Sometimes I wonder what my computer is trying to say to me. Does it have a momentous soul?

Lifting Burdons (o = e)

2010-07-22T23:22:00.004-04:00

I had the most beautiful drive home tonight. Something about the air was different -- I felt more calm, more relaxed. I watched the sun and moon meet each other in the sky as the moon put the sun to bed. I watched the clouds swirl together and apart again, and I let my windows stay down the whole way. The wind played with my hair, the music competing with the dull roar of it, and nothing really phased me.

A long time ago I wrote a post in this blog about the idea of utilizing what I termed "Grammar Math" in a way that would construct poetry. Grammar math, for the abbreviated definition, is the way in which I fixed typos -- instead of putting the little asterisk next to the correct word, I would re-create the word using plus signs, minus signs and equal signs to have the reader figure it out. It was a short-lived habit I had, but it later planted the seed in my head for creativity.

Perhaps 2 years it has been since then, and I've finally felt inspired. I'm not happy with the work at all -- in fact I think it's a fairly personal expressionist piece instead of something that is relate-able in any way by another, but I figured I'd post it as an example and marker to a new writing exercise I hope to partake in in my future.

I am feeling the burden of your love (-burden of your)
That brings me down to a larger disparity (-down, larger = smaller)
Between the wrongfulness of the action and the longing to have it. (wrongfulness = passion, longing = anticipation, + soon).
The guilt of the enclosing departure (-guilt of the, departure = fingertips)
Feeds off the gruesome past farewells (-s, - gruesome, + distant, farewells = evenings)
Of those we once cherished.
I crawl into the dark places in my head (crawl = float, dark = warm, head = heart)
And hide away there until the light leaves, (leaves = fills me)
Coming out when I can no longer remember (remember = forget)
And I am safe again. (safe = whole, - again).

The interesting thing that I realized about this type of writing is that a person can interpret some parts of it on his or her own. Like whenever I add a word, (+ always, + distant), it isn't obvious where that word should go. I hope that you find places for these words that you like.

Synchronicity

2010-07-13T23:23:00.004-04:00

One of the most amazing things, I think, is when you're driving somewhere and the song you're listening to ends right as you arrive at your destination. Somehow you had the urge to put it on, somehow the radio flipped to it, somehow the cd or playlist switched its track right at the appropriate distance away from your resting place and allowed you to experience the whole song to its fullest potential. You put the car in park, and the last note quickly begins to fade. You hold your hand on the keys in the ignition until the silence comes, and it was time -- you had arrived.

I love when that happens.

Did I mention that I was listening to this song??

Healing

2010-07-13T19:12:00.004-04:00

After a small hiatus of extreme sick-dom, I kicked back into action and got my ass back to work. I had a really fantastic weekend, seeing Serge again, going hiking, seeing Despicable Me, and dancing my butt off. Unfortunately I think all of that fun is what led to my sickness, but I thankfully recovered quick and feel right as rain again.

I was really nervous about seeing Serge again. It has been a whole year since I last saw him, but we clicked and had a great time together. We know so much about one another that it's only natural for us to be fast friends again. While there will always be kinks for us to work out, it's nice to know that the difficult feelings we ignored for so long can be forgotten in exchange for smiles. The bitterness has vaporized, and nothing but happy memories linger with us now. It's comforting to know that messy ends can bring blossoming new beginnings over time.

I hate to see my time at 38 Studios dwindling away. I feel like I have carved a place for myself there; I have built relationships, felt growth, seen what it takes to create something great, and I don't want to leave that behind. I had a round table lunch today with Curt, and I could feel the faith and excitement he has for the company emanating from his eyes and the things he was saying. It was so motivational that I couldn't help but feel energized by his commitment to 38. I want to be part of his dream -- to make his dream my dream and a shared one among the whole team, and I feel like I'm well on my way to doing so. It'll make it really hard to leave. I hope that when I graduate I won't have to.

My senior team met on Sunday, and it was exactly what I needed. Things happened so naturally, so gracefully, so peacefully and perfectly, and I think we all feel really passionate about the direction we're going. It's a super awesome hybrid of many elements that we want to touch upon, and I think that it'll turn out into something we truly love. We decided to use Unreal, which is a bit of a relief for me, and I think it'll help make our development process run much more smoothly. For one thing, we can SUBVERSION IT!!!! Yayyy!!

To (and from) Joey -- I am so pleased that "we've changed together and in the same way. I like that better, you know, than to see you going farther and farther away and being condemned to mark your point of departure forever. All that you've told me - I came to tell you the same thing - though with other words, of course. We meet at the arrival. I can't tell you how pleased I am."

-- Satre, Nausea.

It ends before it starts sometimes

2010-07-11T12:45:00.003-04:00

It is important to know that people grow and people change. Suddenly the priorities in our lives leave us and become vacant memories of what we used to hope for, or sometimes it isn't the priorities that leave us but the perspectives on them that shift into new desires. It's important for us to understand what we believe, to stand firm on those things but to also grasp onto their capability to change -- to hold onto them, but to do so lightly so that when they are pushed into a new direction we bend with them instead of break against them.

Yesterday I experienced my first unhappy reunion with someone I was once close with. It was unexpected -- a seemingly delightful surprise. He looked down upon me for my absence these last three years instead of embracing the new future that is in our potential to share together as friends. He threw that out the window, brought up the bitterness he felt from the past, and projected that upon me in a way that I know I deserve but had hoped I didn't have to endure. He didn't accept the way that I have changed, and it was weird to experience that. When I saw this good old friend of mine, my heart was full of love and excitement at all of the things we could talk about, and I'm sorry, dear old friend of mine, that it wasn't mutual. I hope that you only briefly mourn the loss of your ideas of who I was, and I am sorry that you didn't bend with me -- you broke against the new direction of who I have grown to be, and for that I am sorry.

I am having another reunion today, only this one I have anticipated for a long time, and for this one I am much more nervous about his judgment of me (for I cared for him more than anyone before, and since our break up 1 year ago, we have not seen each other). I am crossing my fingers.

21 and Reading

2010-07-06T19:21:00.002-04:00

I had an completely amazing weekend. I turned 21, partied with coworkers in Boston and danced all night, went up to Burlington and hit some bars, saw a movie, played some games, and loved life. I didn't think that being 21 would change much, but I'm really enjoying this new sense of freedom I have from not having to work about where I can or cannot go. No place can shut its door on me!!

I got a couple fantastic gifts from my friends this birthday. Justin got me Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which we promise to read together, and Lauren got me The Red Book (which I've been wanting for a yearrrr). I've only peeked through both, and I can tell that within their pages lie many thought provoking and spiritually awakening words that will surely resonate within me.

For now, I am enjoying the company I keep, the smiles I receive, and the warmth surrounding me (although today it's hot as BALLS).

Transitional

2010-06-28T23:41:00.002-04:00

I sort of feel like I'm in a transitional period of my life right now. It's the sort of feeling you get when you're walking through your house at night, and you're going through a big empty room, but the next light switch is positioned all the way at the other end. You have to flick the first light off and become blind, walking through the darkness with nothing but an idea of your direction and the hope of its accuracy in your life. You hold your arms out, hoping to keep things at an arms distance away, and you only move slowly through the space. Each thing that you touch gets just enough attention for you to figure out what it is and move on, grateful for its affect on your direction.

Yeah, I think I sorta feel like that in some parts of my life.

Fun, Origami, and Fun with Origami

2010-06-23T22:32:00.002-04:00

Today was fantastic!! A coworker of mine invited me out to this nice, little place called the Horseshoe Pub in Hudson, and a bunch of people came out for some drinks. It was a bit of a tease, considering I'm not 21 yet, but it was just gearing me up for what's to come in my future. Because we were a bit south from the studio, and there was no traffic out at 9:30, I made it home in just about 40 minutes, which felt pretty short in comparison to what I've become used to.

The 38 gang is a ton of fun, and I had a really great time hanging out with them all. I don't want my summer to end.

I've picked up a new habit: Origami! It's been a nice, relaxing activity that will take me a long time to master, I think, but I've been able to follow along and make some nice things already. It's been fun :)

Taking Risks and Getting Left Behind

2010-06-19T12:10:00.004-04:00

Driving on the highway every day has made me decide that if this whole game design thing doesn't work out that I am about 66.66 % sure that I want to be a race car driver. It's made me think a lot about risk -- how some people risk their lives by becoming stunt-people or race car drivers or base jumpers -- and even though I feel like risk is a selfish thing, there is some sort of self-satisfaction that I'm beginning to understand. I still think that risking one's life is an act that is purely for the benefit of an individual and ignores the love and care from other people.

On another note, I've really enjoyed the amount of dancing I've worked into my day. I've enjoyed all that I've learned at my new job, and I've enjoyed continually learning how to deal with the loss that still lingers on my shoulders. I've enjoyed the busy-ness that has come with a new routine.

"I can't give it up

To someone else's touch

Because I care too much".

- The XX

Loving Through Dancing and Loving

2010-06-13T10:25:00.002-04:00

I'm so happy that I came home for the summer. I was a bit apprehensive at first -- worried that the people from my past whom I hadn't seen in years would feel alien to me, and reconnecting with them would be difficult, but this group of people has nothing but love flowing through them, and I've felt really welcomed back into their lives after my three year disappearance. I can tell that they still care about and appreciate me just as much as I do for them.

We have been having regular dance parties now, and they are such a blast. The strobe light broke in the middle of the night, but that didn't stop us from continuing to shake it. I think we have all established that we all want to learn to krump, so that next weekend we can really get down.

HA!

Boston, Baby!

2010-06-12T15:53:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted last, and much has happened in the meantime.

Things at 38 have been nothing short of totally, completely kick ass, and I love this job so much. I've met a lot of incredibly friendly people, and I've found the work has always been interesting, exciting, and fun. Even though waking up at 5:30 every morning isn't ideal, I don't think there is anything I would rather be doing.

Boston Post Mortem was earlier this week, and I have found that it consistently offers a fun night of entertainment. I always meet a few new people, and I have had the pleasure of seeing many of them fairly often at other industry events. With Boston Indies, Boston Post Mortem, Boston Unity Group, and who knows what else, I can say that Boston has one of the best game industry communities.

I'm currently sitting through Boston Unity Group's Unity Day at Northeastern, and it's really helping me get some inspiration for Senior Team Project. Tom Higgins from Unity Technologies is here, and he spent the morning showing us a ton of wicked cool stuff that will be coming out with the next Unity release coming "this Summer", he says. Unfortunately for me, he is going through the Lerpz 3D Platforming Tutorial -- an assignment Champlainers had last fall, so it is quite a bit of review. Tom is a really great speaker, he's going through this tutorial really clearly, and he has suggested so many fabulous resources for me to use next year -- including himself! Being here has really motivated me to get back into this engine, so I'm pumped!

Thursday night I had the extreme pleasure of going to an NBA Celtics vs. Lakers finals game, and I had an amazing freakin' time at that game. I've really never been a huge fan of basketball -- I felt bad for taking up the seat that I did -- but I ended up having such a great time, and my appreciation for basketball has increased tenfold. Basketball has drama, excitement, tact, and skill, and I've really enjoyed learning about players and seeing how they play from day to day.

I've got to pack up and head out early from this session, unfortunately. The next train is too early, and the train after that is wayyy too late.

"Mad Explosive Spontaneity"

2010-05-31T22:09:00.004-04:00

I spent this beautiful weekend in Connecticut visitng Justin Superty, and I had a fantastic time. His family and home were really inviting and relaxing, and overall it was a great vacation weekend. The weather was absolutely perfect, so that didn't make it hard to enjoy each day, especially with such great company.

The drive home was a breeze, especially with Pretty Lights bumpin' through the speakers. Everything about the drive just put a smile on my face, and I felt the awe of life fill me up today. There are so many things for me to be excited about -- so much love surrounding me now -- that I think that now more than ever I have felt empowered to let go of some of the negativity in my life. Once the excitement of the newness in my life wears off, I feel like this awe will still linger (and that is so uplifting). My drive and motivation is getting kick started with the novelty that comes with time, and it's really helping me break away the barrier that has kept me stagnant for the last few months.

Bring on tomorrow. I'm ready.

(This is also really exciting. Yay!)

Diving In

2010-05-28T14:23:00.003-04:00

Today was my first day working as a 38 Studios employee, and all I can say is: wowie. The energy in the studio radiates off everyone, and the level of talent there is so exciting. Everyone is so passionate about what they do to work towards their shared goals and dreams, and that confidence and faith is hard not to feel with them. They all kick so much ass! I can't believe I am part of this ridiculously crazy-awesome team. I was sad to leave the office early today, and I can't wait to go back again on Tuesday to sit in my prime, right-next-to-a-window spot. I can already tell that I am going to gain so much knowledge from this opportunity. My teammates have really welcomed me with open arms, and their patience and friendliness is going to make this an amazing experience -- I'm sure of it.

The check engine light on my car turned on during my drive to work today, and it has remained on for the whole day (I was hoping it would magically disappear after my day at work). I listened to my friend Gasoline Monk's new album on the drive up, and a mix of Arms and Sleepers and the new Deftones album on my way home -- I smiled and spaced out the whole way home that I missed my exit off the highway =P. Gasoline Monk, aka Forrest Armstrong for you surrealist, literary types, gave me his mixtape last night while were sitting around the campfire at DJs place, and it was great company for the ride up. I love the stuff he's got up on his myspace, so I highly suggest checking it out.

The coming of June means a big milestone for the UN Project team is just around the corner -- LAUNCH! I'm very excited for that to happen, and I'm wishing the team in Vermont the best!

This weekend will bring with it much rejoicing and lots of science. Labs are due and I have an exam to study for!

2010-05-26T01:32:00.003-04:00

(My reason is because something is holding me back emotionally. What's yours?)

I started listening to Dubstep. I want to be able to dance to Dubstep better than this bird can.

2010-05-25T13:10:00.002-04:00

I am sitting on a cloud right now. I have just arrived home from my visit to 38 Studios today, and I can't believe that I have been given the honor to work at this company. I saw some familiar faces while there and got to meet a few new ones, and I absolutely cannot wait for my first day on Friday. I met my QA coworkers and got a bit of a run down about what I'll be doing, and I can't wait to get started. It was wicked nice of them to take time out of their day to talk with me and show me the ropes a bit. I feel really welcomed into their supportive community, and it kicks so much ass. Friday can't come any sooner.

Leisurely Weekends and Crazy Exciting Weekdays

2010-05-24T18:02:00.004-04:00

I had an incredible weekend. I ate good food, hung out with good people, saw new beautiful parts of Burlington I had never seen before, and ached during the finale of my favorite show of all time. I got a bit of sun and had a fairly pleasant drive home. I went to my dad's place for dinner tonight and finally got to show him some TOP GEAR (which I didn't get to show anyone during the weekend, unfortunately), and I think he enjoyed it. How can anyone dislike the Vietnam Special!!?

I've got my first visit to 38 Studios tomorrow, and I cannot wait for that. I've got to get to bed so I can wake up early and make it there by 9! Wish me luck :)

BPM and Burlington

2010-05-21T09:07:00.004-04:00

Last night was Boston Post Mortem, and I had a fantastic time. I met Jesse, Ben and Les from 38 Studios, and it really pumped me up to meet them and hear about how fantastic 38 Studios is to work for. I am counting down the days now -- only a week away!! I also met a lot of other fun characters, and I can't wait to see them all again soon.

I'm heading up to Burlington tonight with Mike Fowler to watch the LOST finale at Higher Ground on Sunday. I can't believe this show is coming to an end. At this point, I have no idea how they're going to wrap everything up in just 2 hours.

A Week-Long Update

2010-05-20T10:55:00.005-04:00

So many interesting and fun things have happened these last few days that I cannot even remember them all!

First things first: Check out Drink The Sea -- Glitch Mob's new album coming out May 25th. It's streaming for free on their website, and so far it's diviiiiine.

Many board games were won and lost on Sunday when I went to some of Kate Baxter's coworker's home in Quincy for a night of friendly competition. All of the games we played were new to me, so it turned out to be a really fun learning experience for me beyond the entertainment.We played Tsoro, Pandemic and Agricula, and I thoroughly enjoyed all three (although I'm pissed that we lost Pandemic!).

This past Monday I went to my first Boston Indies event, which is a small gathering of Boston Independent Developers that meet up once a month to watch a presentation and socialize. I met a lot of great people, and I'm definitely going again next month. Going to that event fully solidified my desire to stay in this city after I graduate. I love Boston -- I always have and I always will I think.

Things with my summer class are picking up, and I'm really enjoying it so far. I love most sciences, so it's difficult for me to dislike it. It is a Physical Science class that blends physics and chemistry together and strays from the mathematical approach to understanding these two concepts -- perfect for me :).

I visited a long time friend of mine in Marlborough on Tuesday, and catching up with him was really fun. I had a great time discussing the last 5 years of each others lives that we had missed, and since I'll be working just a stone's throw away from him, I'm sure we'll see a lot of each other this summer. While I was there we decided to check out the old factory where 38 Studios is located, and it is an incredible place. It's immense size aside, the factory has a ton of interesting history (and some beautiful brick work). It used to be a place where civil war uniforms were made and today it houses many different companies, including 38 Studios!

Wednesday was a relaxing day, and I was able to focus on Fit Brains work that I am finally starting to fully pick up, and I made myself some delicious dinner.

Tonight is the Boston Post Mortem meeting, and I am really looking forward to that. All of these things have really helped keep my mind off the break up, which I am finding has affected me more deeply than I could have anticipated. It seems harder for me to love to my fullest extent all that is around me, but I am determined to keep trying. He is no longer in my life, and I think that things are going to be better for me this way.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." -- A blog post about this quote sometime in the future is in store.

Good Times Rollin'

2010-05-13T13:46:00.003-04:00

Things are wonderful this morning.

The sun is finally out, and it is finally warming me to the point where I don't shiver in my house anymore. Although right after I typed that out I ran into my room and got a sweatshirt..... sigh. Perhaps I am still thinking wishfully.

I'm listening to Ludovico Einaudi this morning after finally setting up my desktop computer somewhere comfortable in the house, and I am putting together mix cds some more for my brand new used car. I've got an amazing cd with a mix of stuff from edIT (the Glitch Mob) and STS9 which is going to make any trip a bumpin' one. I've got a fun night ahead of me, and I'm excited for some cruising around with some good tunes.

Xena

2010-05-08T18:00:00.003-04:00

One of the most beautiful things that has happened in my life happened the other day. For the first time in a very long time (in fact I can't remember the last time) I woke up at a reasonable hour to the sound of thunder and rain on my window. It was -the best- way to wake up -ever-. Since then, the weather has been all over the place, and I can't wait for it to just be warm, breezy, and summer-like again, but I felt like I needed to record that experience. I don't think I'll ever forget squinting my eyes open up towards the dimly lit window and watching the huge raindrop press up against my window and streak its way down with the others.

This past week has been very relaxing for me and hectic at the same time. I started my summer class the other day, and I got my first car on Friday ^_^. It's an adorable 2003 Toyota Corolla LE, and since getting it I cannot tell you how many people have asked me if it has a name! I am still in the deliberation process about a name, but I am leaning towards Xena the Warrior Princess because of how non-warrior like the little thing is. Having this new freedom is an incredible blessing, and I am so happy to be able to provide things for others with this vehicle. I love to drive, and with a good CD blasting and my voice hurting from singing, I know that it is love.

I took some allergy medicine today, and I haven't sneezed since. Unfortunately, though, drowsiness is a serious side effect for me, I think, and with it comes a bit of emotional uncertainty. I know that I'm going to end up passing out for a looooong time, so hopefully I can muster up some motivation to get up and head over to the gym.

God, His Computer, and Hypothermia on Our Toes

2010-05-01T19:09:00.005-04:00

Last night was one of the most interesting nights I have had in a long time.

I kicked it off by seeing a group of friends for a time that was too short-lived, and I headed over to Lauren's place to watch Into The Wild with her and Mike. That movie made me feel a lot, and the ending left me feeling a bit dissatisfied and upset -- but such is the nature of stories based on true life. When he told the old man that feelings do not need to be shared with another individual, that they can be felt through all things, my gut reaction was to disagree. While I think that we can find happiness in all things in the world, it is best when shared. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes philosophy, nature, or interesting and beautiful cinematography.

After we watched the movie, Mike and I left Lauren's only to find his car had mysteriously disappeared. Did someone steal it? I immediately thought. It wasn't stolen or moved as a joke in any sense of the word -- it had gotten towed by an unknown company at some unknown time -- which sent Mike and I on an adventure. Needless to say, 4 and a half hours later we arrive at the tow lot (it's about 4am) and see Mike's car immediately behind the gate. The gate is open and the tow-truck driver is backing away, waving his arm at us saying "I have an emergency. I'll be back in 5 minutes." No, no, no, we both thought and verbalized to this neon silhouette, can't we just get it now?. Our sleepiness had made us frustrated and agitated, but it was no use. As soon as we had arrived on the lot, the driver was pulling away to take care of his emergency.

We waited outside. The night was only slightly cloudy, and the moon was bright and the air cool. Mike was unfortunately wearing flip flop sandals and his foggy mind had him plotting to sue the company for "hypothermia on my toes", which immediately had me in a giggle fit. We thought about how beautiful the sky was, and how amazing it is that we are all people with so many similarities and so many differences in the way that we act, feel, and look. This gave me the image of God utilizing the clone stamp tool in photoshop or some silly imagery.

From this conversation we created a comic idea called "God and His Computer". It's a three panel comic that shows God on a computer for the first panel with a title, him thinking about something in the second panel, sometimes with text and sometimes not, and the joke in the third panel. Here is a prototype comic written and drawn by Mike. Our 4am silly selves thought it was genius at the time, and I'm pretty sure we both still think it is. Expect more soon!

Transitioning

2010-04-30T19:27:00.004-04:00

I had my last final as a Junior EGD student at Champlain today. I had my last day of work as the Lead Game Designer on the Emergent Media Center's UN Project, and I am currently jobless for 4 weeks. I'm really sad to leave that project at such an intense and important time, but I know that the team will really make this thing shine come our June release. I'm moving out of Spinner Place on Monday, and it will begin the summer life for real.

The Senior Show was an incredibly awesome night. Our program director really opened up to us, and it was great to see. The 2010 Class is going to be soooo missed, and I'm really sad to see them go. I know that they all will have so much success in their lives -- I have no doubt of that. The program director congratulated me with a hug on landing my internship as well, and I felt really proud and honored to receive that from her. As the 2010 class transitions into new responsibilities and freedoms, I am settling into the many changes that are going on in my life as well.

There have been a lot of transitions going on lately, and I'm welcoming them all with open arms and a smile. Every change that happens will be a change for the better, and I'm confident in that. Although it took me a while, I stopped checking to see if he was online every night, and it doesn't bother me anymore that he doesn't care. There is nothing I can do about it but move forward, and I think I'm doing a great job at that. I have to admit that I take solace in the thought that he may regret his decision some day, but whether or not he actually does is irrelevant to my future.

I'm so happy for some transition. Bring it on!

Internships, Gold Masters, and Smiles

2010-04-28T08:37:00.003-04:00

It is three days away from my summer vacation, and it is on the second day of this snow storm we are getting. Something doesn't seem to add up to me here.

I have no doubt in my mind that this summer is going to kick so much ass. I am incredibly happy to announce that I was offered an internship at 38 Studios as a QA Tester. I'm sure you can imagine that there was no way in hell that I could turn that down, so I'm sending my acceptance letter today. I'll be working closely with the QA Leads, and I cannot wait.

I am currently sitting in the Emergent Media Center waiting for a small group of middle school students to come by for some job shadowing, and I have a nice, cool bottle of Mountain Dew to keep me company (did I mention that it's 8:45 in the morning?!). Monday night I pulled my first full all nighter of college -- I usually give myself at least 20 minutes of sleep, but that was not much of an option that night. Team Work (our team name) had our Gold Master of our UDK game called Recognition due yesterday, and we are all incredibly happy about how it turned out. We want to continue to add some polish and make some tweaks to the gameplay, and when we feel like it's fully done, we'll be creating a ModDB page, and I'll be sure to link it here.

Last night was the 2nd Annual Game Demo Night at Champlain College, and it was a lot of fun. Get a bunch of nerds in a room together with a projector, computer, and sound system, and there is bound to be a small competition of Robot Unicorn Attack. Various teams showed off their games last night -- not including our team (most of which was sleeping after our work-filled night) -- and they were really great to see. I made some friends and really felt like this is one of the best communities at Champlain. I'm hoping that next year as a senior I can do my part to make it better.

Summer is just 2 papers, 1 presentation, and 3 days away, and I'm smiling.

Awesome Summer! Promise, Right?

2010-04-20T22:57:00.006-04:00

I'm listening to Coldplay, basking in the mutual understanding of a friendship, and looking forward to the warm weather that this summer has promised me. I've got the taste of coke bottle gummies in my mouth and a huge smile plastered all over it. This summer is the white light at the end of the gauntlet of work I've got left to do, yet I feel like I will come out of this victorious. My motivation to do work has dwindled a bit at the thought of summer so close, but I need to make sure I can get through this final push.

By the time Champlain makes us go home, I'll have a package waiting for me that brings promise of a new, fun, hobby that I cannot wait to start. In just a few short weeks after I get home, I'll have a kickass job that I can't wait to pursue, and I'm so eager to get started in that, too.

And I swear that I'm letting go of this anger as best as I can, but sometimes it gets the best of me. But to be honest and frank and a bit Freudian (not in the "slip" sort of way), "oh man, that sucks for you, dude."

Ups and Downs

2010-04-18T16:34:00.003-04:00

I always used to think that one of the greatest things to do for an aching, girly, heart is to watch romantic comedies and love stories -- at least that's what those movies like to make us believe. I did so this weekend, watching two absolutely lovely movies/tv series, both of which filled me with love and hope but left me feeling empty and alone in the end. I write this now, soon after the completion of one of these such pieces of film, and I am frustrated with myself for feeling low about the break up. I'm having a hard time understanding how someone doesn't care about breaking someone else's heart (I originally wrote "life" instead of "heart" on accident...hah). I'm having a hard time understanding how someone can lie about love for over a year, or change his priorities so quickly, or forget what someone looks like after not seeing them for only 2 weeks.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I ever loved a person like this.

I don't want him to know how upset I still am about this, either. I don't want him to know that every time I sit at my computer doing work, I feel little pangs of anger when I see him online for hours without hearing from him. I can't decide if he's changed or if my perspective of him has, but either way it puts a sour feeling in my stomach every once in a while.

I'm not afraid to write about this here because I know for sure that he won't read this. He never once looked at my blog on his own accord while we were dating (which is ironic considering the number of you that come back every couple of days to read it... which is really heartwarming :D ). There are so many different levels of care in the world, so many different priorities, and I am doing my best to figure out which ones I value and which ones I don't.

Until then, I'll just keep swimming, smiling, and being productive.

2010-04-14T08:47:00.004-04:00

I had a fantastic weekend. I went and saw my first show at the Radio Bean, and I loved it. It was just him, his guitar, and us -- only a few feet away. My heart melted. Beyond that time I spent with friends, which included that evening filled with two enjoyable movies -- New In Town and Rocket Science -- I was sitting at my computer chugging away for Recognition's Beta deliverable, which was yesterday. We made it, we did it, and holy crap I'm so happy it's done. We've still got a lot of polish to do on the game, and we've got a few Class B bugs, but polish is always the best part of the process, and I can't wait to make this game really shine.

~*~

Ever since the breakup I've come to some conclusions about where my attitude and perspective is in my life. It seems silly that a break up can make you reevaluate these kinds of things, but it just goes to show how much I cared. I learned a lot about how care can be such a loving, giving force, and it can also feed into destructive ones, especially when the other side of the road is careless. I learned that this break up doesn't really matter to him, and that morphed my care into a lot of anger that I really don't want or need in my life right now.

So I've let go. What seemed like a horrible misfortune has now taught me about the extent of my emotional durability. I have a new sense of self -- a better self esteem -- and I'm so happy to be given the chance to find that person who "will show me why all the other ones didn't work", as my friend Mike put it. And I'm not afraid to take chances anymore. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and continuing to love everything to the fullest extent that I can.

I just got my hair cut short, got a red peekaboo, and I'm ready for the summer :)

Dessa Gets It

2010-04-08T21:53:00.006-04:00

Everything feels really beautiful tonight. I have so much energy, and the music I'm listening to tonight is fully pumping through me. I'm approaching each day with a new attitude. I woke up this morning, shook off the emotionally charged nightmare, and smiled for the whole day -- it was exactly what I needed. I'm eagerly waiting to hear back about my future, and I'm really looking forward to going home -- I think I need some time to focus on me for a while.

Team Work (woop woop) is approaching Beta this Tuesday, and I'm very excited. Things are really coming together, and it feels great. I'll post a link as soon as we get it online. Stay tuned!

I'm listening to Dessa's new album, and this song is what hooked me. She's got a way with words, a soulful voice, and a pretty badass attitude.

"Fight fire with fire but the fire won't fight

We just fly these circles like tired kites

And you flash some fang

And I bat my lashes

And we're back again

No end to this game with matches

We've been lovers and strangers and friends who get angry

Made mistakes and amends and brief moments of magic

We forgive and forget and give in to attraction

This whole thing depends on amnesia and madness

And I'd be leaving for good, I'd be looking for better

But I got this broken habit I keep gluing back together"

Matches to Paper Dolls by Dessa

Earth tilts, Ressurections, and Rebirths

2010-04-05T12:48:00.002-04:00

I was so right about that rain that we had earlier in the week -- the weather was so beautiful this past weekend, and even though it's cloudy today and a bit cooler, this nice weather is so uplifting.

Yesterday was Easter, and it marked a lot of change. Galactic, divine, and relational --- changes for the sun, for the highly worshiped, and for my future as I trudge through the depths of a failed relationship. I can't say much about the sun, other than how happy I am that it's finally smiling on us now, and I can't say much about Jesus, other than that he seemed like a pretty amazing dude, but I can say that these changes in my life mark something that is going to move in the right direction. Being rejected doesn't really do wonders for ones' self esteem or anything of that nature, but I'm determined to not let it put me down. I've got so many goals in my life, and not having this important person in my life doesn't change those goals, it just means that he won't be part of my success (which is not inevitable by any means, but I'm still crossing my fingers).

There is a very strange array of songs that are comforting me now. One sent to me by an old friend, another I found today from a band I already love, and one that I am almost embarrassed to mention (but I seriously love).

Anyway, I saw this coming, so I guess I shouldn't be as surprised as I am.

On another note, I am totally stuck in the Labyrinth level in God of War 3, and it's driving me nuts. Friggen harpies and spikey thingies and baddies. I think it is going to be the fuel for my public speaking speech tonight.

2010-03-29T23:12:00.003-04:00

There is certainly something about this rain recently.

Something about it that feels right.

It's saying, "hope is coming."

I can't wait for the sun :).

Waiting away

2010-03-23T16:12:00.003-04:00

It has been a while since I wrote last, and a lot has happened!!

First and foremost I had the utmost pleasure of attending the 2010 Game Developers Conference in San Francisco. I had an absolute BLAST. I loved meeting new people, exploring the city, learning about the new buzz going on in the industry -- it was all fantastic. There were a lot of highlights and it is difficult to name them so I'll condense them into this small, detail-less list: I "escaped" from Alcatraz on the Wednesday before the conference, played awesome games at Gamma4, hollered at the IGF, took notes furiously during tons of kickass sessions, and stared in awe at the mysterious "Phaedrus" (pictured below) during his truly inspiring talk.

It was great to see some old friends there and even more fun to root one of them on during the Game Design Challenge on Friday.

I met a lot of wonderful people and had the pleasure of chatting with several reps from various Boston based studios. I sent in my applications for them last Thursday, and I am excitedly/totally impatiently waiting for their response (which is incredibly difficult). It is my goal to spend my summer back home (for the first time since being in college) before I never again have summer vacations. The silence I'm receiving since sending my resume is taking a toll on my confidence, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up without getting my hopes there too.

My final year of college is approaching, and I've made some big decisions that are going to shape how it pans out. I've got a badass capstone project team for the year, and I'm confident that we'll come together to create something awesome. I've decided to take Japanese as an elective and dive back into the pain and joy of learning a new language. I'm going to try to get my science requirement out of the way during the summer so I can take 4 classes a semester instead of 5 to focus more time on my capstone project and whatever else is thrown my way.

I've been listening to some pretty kickass music, some of it from movie composers that pop up during my countless hours of Top Gear watching, and some of it from various artists that I listen to while dancing around my apartment, itching to get myself back into the studio.

Life has been crazy good, as always, and likewise I keep on smilin'.

Projects Project Projects, FUN!

2010-03-06T00:15:00.002-05:00

I am listening to this album, and like the tone of this last week -- exciting, heartbreaking, hopeful and dejected -- it's bringing me all around. All of the negativity that has built up this last week is being channeled into making next week one of the best weeks of the year.

Game Developer's Conference 2010, here I come!

The UN Project, Fit Brains work, Production II project and GDC prep has kept my mind very busy and sleepy, but I welcome it greatly.

2010-02-09T01:34:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to The Fountain soundtrack, and I have a feeling I'll be up late tonight.

Authorness

2010-02-05T23:06:00.003-05:00

I don't have much time to write -- life is throwing so many wonderful challenges at me recently, and it's not easy to tackle them all and keep all of my sanity (I have most of it... just not all of it).

Over the last month the Firehouse Gallery in Burlington, Vermont has been hosting a wonderful Game (Life) exhibit featuring some of the brightest and most innovative minds in the indie game development scene -- four of which came to speak at Champlain College. Each and every one of the speakers was inspiring for me in some way, and as I move into my final year -- the capstone of my education -- I know that I am ready for this. Hearing them speak about their experiences only solidified that for me, and I'm itching to get out there. I am so excited to do it.

A theme that I found throughout some of the talks was this idea of "authorness". What seems to separate movies from video games (among other things) is the idea of a "director", a sole author who controls every aspect of the vision of a piece. On a game development team, the final product ends up becoming a hodge-podge of ideas from multiple people all coalesced into a particular experience. One speaker, Jason Rohrer, emphasized this idea of a director and gave us his insight into how it is potentially detrimental to our industry to not have one.
Similarly, Jonathan Blow discussed this idea of authorness in a different context. He explained a philosophical approach to game design that focuses on discovering a system instead of authoring and shaping it to fit into a particular vision. He said that "in discovery there is nothing that kills your authorness. You are still the captain of that idea," and this concept really resonated with me. Instead of intimately creating a system to tailor and tinker into perfection, we should create the rules and see what happens; sometimes the system will give us something brilliant if we take the time to appreciate its simplicity and listen to what it's telling us. Perhaps instead of being a movie director we should be like a professor in a classroom -- put an idea out there and listen to what that idea develops into.

Heather Kelley gave me a lot of hope for my path in life. One of the greatest things I have admired about Heather is the fearless way she treks into interesting and unique game endeavors. For the Game (Life) exhibit she gave us a deeper look into the history and practices of Gamma, and the possibilities for my future exploded in my head. Her and the Kokoromi Collective have proven to me that the games industry and the culture surrounding it is expanding in so many exciting directions, and the possibility for innovation is astronomical. Again -- so excited.

There are a lot of things I could say about Randy Smith's talk (so interesting, so quick, so engaging), but the major thing I found myself taking away from it is how kickass my Champlain College education has been. I felt in awe learning about how he and his previous colleagues were some of the pioneers about how we think about game design today. He described a lot of terms that are a part of the common language we use with one another in and outside of the classroom, and he helped further my feeling of preparedness -- and hearing about his part in academic-izing game design was star-striking. Games are art, goddamnit, and I'm ready to prove that to people one of these days. I promise that I'll do whatever I can to get them to that point.

But now I feel sort of at a loss. I feel so ready to get out there and start creating games, but I don't know where I want to go. I feel incredibly lucky to have been awarded the GDC Scholarship by Champlain this year because I think it will give me an opportunity to figure this out. I cross my fingers that I can figure this all out, but if I don't, I think no matter what happens I'll have an exciting journey ahead of me.

--

On a different note, I saw one of the most amazing sights I have seen in a long long time. The sky was mostly a bright white blanket of clouds, yet clouds closer to the lake were opened up enough to see the oranges and pinks of a sunset. There was an enormous flock of crows that was coming from the north and heading into the south, and as the snow fell slowly I couldn't help but stop where I was walking -- right in the middle of a step -- to stop and watch them fly over me. I stood there for over 2 minutes watching the crows come from a white nothingness on my right and disappear into a white nothingness on my left. It looked like a scene from a painting. It was beautiful, yet ominous, and I couldn't stop watching. I waited until there were only a couple crows left, and I headed inside. I had a wonderful conversation with an old Professor of mine, and the rest of my evening was uplifting.

I wish I had a picture of it all.

Winding Down and Gearing Up

2010-01-19T00:45:00.004-05:00

You know those nights when sleep calls to you, but the music you're listening to yells louder and you can't get yourself to take your headphones off?

Tonight is one of those nights.

On a side note, my production group kicks major buttocks, and we are going to make a kickass game. I can't wait. I'll post updates on our production process throughout the semester, so stay tuned!

No Better Start

2010-01-12T01:19:00.002-05:00

This semester is going to kick SO MUCH ASS.

I had such a great start to my semester, and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm so happy to be back on campus, to see the people that I love so dearly again, and to just smile to the sky and let the snowflakes fall on my eyes in this paradise.

DJ Tiesto's album Elements of Life is keeping me awake tonight. It's almost 1:30 in the morning -- the latest I've stayed up in a very long time -- and despite my busy day on campus, I can't seem to let the sleep come. I think it's because I secretly don't want it to =].

The three classes I had today have shown that they will present me with some interesting challenges this next semester, and I cannot wait.

Bring on tomorrow!

2010 -- Starting Again

2010-01-10T14:15:00.004-05:00

It's been a long while since I've written last. A lot of things have happened, mostly good, some bad, yet I'm coming into this next semester with a struggled serenity that I'm desperately clinging to with a smile. This break has given me little reflection time, but the amount of it that I have done has been far greater than any amount I did before this hectic time of rest.

I'm coming into this semester with new challenges -- small ones compared the grand scheme of things -- and I feel ready to tackle them all. A door to a relationship that was once my world has been slammed shut and locked, and I know that the only thing I can do is move on with my life. The old skeletons must lay where they lay, closed away in a dark corner, hopefully to one day lose their stink and become preserved in the decay of their memories. I hope to never hear their bones crack and groan again now that they've given their final shout before locking themselves away. Rest in peace, dear bones, for I hope you one day forget about me even though I won't forget about you.

It is now the morning of a day that will amount to many hours of introductions, little amounts of food, and squinted, sleepy eyes. This new place where I live, while it has many wonderful qualities, leaves me tossing and turning in the morning hours from the sound of buses below where I sleep. Today I say goodbye to a loved one, who is leaving this place for something greater, and I send him away with my love and luck.

Cheers to the start of a new year.

Consciousness -- Rethought

2009-11-23T23:37:00.005-05:00

I read this article -- and I almost cried. Not because of the tragedy behind it all, but because of how this man dealt with it all.

"'I screamed, but there was nothing to hear,' he said, via his keyboard.

The Belgian former engineering student, who speaks four languages, said he coped with being effectively trapped in his own body by meditating. He told doctors he had 'traveled with my thoughts into the past, or into another existence altogether'. Sometimes, he said, 'I was only my consciousness and nothing else'. "

Only his consciousness and nothing else.

I need The Red Book to come out now.

IMPORTANT EDIT: Due to a wonderfully enlightening comment posted on this entry (thank you Mark D), some new information has been brought to the forefront. My only reaction to all of this is that people have some wonderfully wild imaginations, and that despite the truth coming forward, the moment was not lost, and I am still really excited for The Red Book. The idea that perhaps this man is actually stuck in his mind with only his consciousness is still a question that is unanswered -- that idea alone is what I took from the article to begin with, and despite its validity, I think it's worth sharing.

Learning

2009-11-06T20:11:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow I embark and an exciting journey. With a team of 4 our students, I am going to create an iphone application over the course of three days while 2,000 attendees of the Learning 2009 conference watch us, chat with us, and then hear us present in front of them on the final day of the conference. To say the least, I'm a bit nervous, but more than anything I am excited for this incredible opportunity to help put Champlain on the map. The conference is about celebrating learning, and learning is something that I know I'll do while I'm there. I also hope that I can help other people learn by watching our experience and seeing the result of what we try to achieve.

For more information on what the conference is about, check out Learning 2009.

On another note, my Advanced Seminar game, titled "Euphony" is coming together. Most of my artwork is implemented, and although I've got a pretty major bug, I can almost see the end. Once I can get the collision and physics working correctly, I'll post it. I've learned so much throughout the process of creating this game -- I can hardly wait to start my next. I feel that Multimedia Fusion 2 and I are finally starting to get along, and I look forward to seeing what I can create in the future. For now, here's some artwork.

Zeuping

2009-10-28T01:53:00.004-04:00

A lot of things have come out into the open this past week, and I'm appreciating them all, despite whatever hardships may have come from them. The few days ahead have a lot of excitement attached to them -- a late night waffle making party on Thursday, a trip to a scary Labyrinth in Old Montreal on Friday, and Halloween festivities on Saturday.

It's late now, and I should be in bed, but music is keeping me awake (as usual). I know I can turn it off and sleep right away, but deep down I don't want to. I think my favorite Arms and Sleepers song as of late has been "Helvetica". If it isn't obvious, I still haven't stopped listening to them.

A friend of mine and I came to a revelation a while ago. Think: Fantasia, the scene where Zeus is throwing down the lightning bolts. The music is intense, and the big, blue Zeus in the sky just wants to curl up and sleep. Before he can get to it, though, he hurls these spear-like bolts to the ground. We theorized that when it snows, Zeus is taking a nice, long poo. Are you imagining it? Good. We dubbed this action Zeuping. I hope you think of this next time you stick your tongue out for a falling flake.

Did I mention that it snowed last week?

2009-10-23T01:03:00.002-04:00

My world is flipped upside down for a lot of reasons.

This is a big one.

---

I need to go dancing.

Coincidence? I think not.

2009-10-19T21:38:00.004-04:00

Today is a very special day for two of the most important people in my life. It is the day where they can get together with the people they love and smile because a whole new year is ahead of them. It is the day where everyone wants to celebrate them -- their existence and presence in the world. I just want to say to these two (who do not know one another yet share a deep place in my heart and soul) that I am spending this whole day celebrating you!

Happy Birthday :)

Time Passes

2009-10-11T21:38:00.002-04:00

The Arms and Sleepers show on Friday night was amazing. Nick accompanied me to a pretty neat venue called Casa del Popolo where we had a few drinks, enjoyed the music, and chatted it up with one of the band members (!!). Seeing them live was a great experience, and despite the long trek to get there through the rain, I couldn't have asked for a better evening -- especially after the disheartening events that occurred earlier in the day.

Since Saturday afternoon I've found myself escaping into the vegetative comfort of gripping television shows. My motivation is pretty low this weekend, and I suppose this lull comes at a decent time.

My room was quiet in between the pauses of the music playing, and for the first time in a long long time, I heard the ticking of a watch. I stopped the music before it came on and listened for a while.

It's strange that I almost forgot what that sounds like.

Connectivity

2009-10-08T14:56:00.003-04:00

I just need to write that
The man in this Arms and Sleeper's video titled "I am a Strange Loop"
Is wearing the same ring as me
On the same finger
Of the same hand.

I wonder if his is a worry ring like mine.

"You came without a warning"

Uncanny Inspiration

2009-10-08T12:17:00.005-04:00

Last night was beautiful.
The moon had a rainbow halo,
And after purchasing all of the Arms and Sleepers albums,

I sat outside in the courtyard and wrote.

I drew artwork,
and I felt.

Table Mountain, Cape Town, South Africa

I haven't been inspired enough to write in a long time, which I'm realizing now is probably a good thing because for the past year most of my writing has been evoked by intense negative emotions that have no outlet. It is rare that I write about sad things, though. I tend to let my mind delve deep into what I think are the intentions of humanity. I walk this road and see where it takes me. I have a lot of hope for it, but sometimes the actions I see around me try to tear it down.

But then again,

"I know that love is everywhere and I will do everything in my power to see it all the time, no matter how much negativity people throw at me." - Oct 7, 2009

Nighttime Walks with Arms and Sleepers

2009-10-07T20:57:00.002-04:00

Yoav accompanied me on my walk home from class tonight, but in all honesty, I rushed home so I could listen to more Arms and Sleepers. I couldn't stop listening today. I found all of the stuff they posted on Youtube, and I listened to the stuff on Myspace on repeat. I haven't felt this much for music in a while, so I know that means something special. I feel so lucky to know that I'm also going to see them Friday night! I saw some live footage of them today on youtube as well, and I know it's going to be an amazing show.

I can't wait.

Quebec City, Music, Life

2009-10-06T20:29:00.006-04:00

Things have felt like a rollercoaster lately, and I along for the ride with a smile. My emotions are running wild, and I'm just letting them do their thing. I haven't been writing lately -- not in my blog or in my personal journal -- and it feels strange. There are a lot of things going on internally, and it's rare for me not to express them in some way, so perhaps that means I'm doing it in others.

This past weekend was spent in Quebec City exploring the history and having a good time with friends. It's such a beautiful place, and it was difficult to leave. The weather was not in our favor, but it didn't dampen the appealing architecture (although it dampened us). The trip made me miss the ocean and the mountains, and although my calves/quads/back were feeling the hills in that city, I'd love to live there someday.

Near the Water

Parliament Building

I've been itching to go to a show recently, and since I'm living in this city, it feels wrong for me to not be seeking the cheap ones out. So I changed that today and found an incredible website that lists shows happening each day, their location, and their price.

I found a CD Release show for a band called Arms and Sleepers, and they're playing up here on Friday. On Thursday, they are playing at the Monkey House in Winooski (so all you Burly Wurls out there, if you like what you hear, check them out!!) It's a 5 dollar show, and I'd really like to go. I'm falling in love with them as I type this. Their music is really fitting my mood tonight, and I can only imagine that seeing them live would be beautiful. My parents are coming up this weekend, so I'm sure I'll have to work around their schedule, but hopefully I can fit it in :).

For those who clicked on the link and are listening now, I suggest just going in order. Their music is very relaxing and thought provoking, and so far the order hasn't led me astray. I'm pretty convinced that my favorite song is Lausanne, although they're all great.

My second full session of DnD is tonight, and I can't wait. J'adore le Dungeons and Dragons.

Lucid Dreams

2009-09-22T16:30:00.001-04:00

I had my first lucid dream - ever- last night.

I was in the dream space, walking through a hallway, and actually felt like I was in my dream instead of watching it. I thought to myself "Hey, wait a second. Am I lucid dreaming? Wow, I am! This is pretty neat. Oh man! I can make decisions!"

So I decided to turn and talk to a man. The rest of the dream was pretty strange. I rearranged different household settings for passport photo backdrops and then talked to a man from Russia with two passports. One he said he used for "special occasions".

This is a pretty momentous event in my life. I hardly ever remember my dreams, so to remember one and have it be in an in between space in consciousness really strikes me. I hope it happens again tonight :).

Things with my advanced seminar game are taking off. I'm nailing down a theme to reward the player around and have concept art drawn in pencil. I'll be sure to post things as they develop.

Rediscovering: Woven

2009-09-15T21:19:00.004-04:00

I walked home from class tonight,
Music blaring in my headphones: it's Woven,
It's "Cosmonaut"
And I feel it pumping through me.
I look up in the sky: it's night time,
It's cloudy
And just through the scattered puffs I saw
A lone star -- one of the first actual stars I've seen in this city.

I stopped and looked for a bit.

I'm glad that feeling down doesn't prevent me from seeing the beauty in the world.

I've rediscovered Woven, and it's perfect.

Elliott Smith Tribute

2009-09-14T22:57:00.002-04:00

I watched Elizabeth Gilbert's TED.com talk about creativity in its entirety the other day, and I got stuck on a brief point she discussed in her talk. She talked about how so many creative geniuses out there are plagued with deep internal turmoil; so many of them die by their own hand, and it is a tragedy that seems so true in this world. I'm listening to Elliott Smith right now -- I've had his entire collected works for over a year now, yet I always felt intimidated about where to start, so I Googled a top 100 chart of his songs, and it's taking me on a trip. I plugged those songs into an iTunes playlist, and here I am. I'm sitting at my computer, headphones on, thinking about how Elliott Smith is one of those individuals that Elizabeth Gilbert mentions in her talk. He cut his life short in October of 2003, dying of fatal stab wounds in his chest that he inflicted upon himself.

Sometimes I can hear it in his music.

I feel really grateful that I have avoided the plight that seems to spread among creative folk. The wide range of human emotion that we feel is something to embrace and love all the same, and I'll just keep doing that until the day I pass. Love love love, it is the only thing I can do.

Look a little deeper

2009-09-06T01:52:00.005-04:00

"I tried to find Him on the Christian cross,but He was not there; I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Kaaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw him; he was nowhere else to be found."
-Jelaluddin Rumi-

I just bawled immediately after I read this.

Thank you, friend :)

(a toast to 100 posts)

Did I Mention I Made It?

2009-09-02T15:36:00.003-04:00

I'm here! Je suis ici!

I know it has been a while since I last updated -- and I'm sorry.

There is no excuse....

But this city is so alive, and it makes it overwhelming to attempt to capture it! I bring my camera with me everywhere, but I do not dare to take my eyes away for a second. I don't think a camera could really capture it all anyhow.

But alas, I'll do my best to take pictures when I can. I know I'll appreciate their existence when I'm gone from here.

All of my classes have been superb, and I'm gearing up for a relaxing yet work-filled semester. I've finally solidified some design decisions for my first solo title currently called Euphonic Secrets. I go back and forth with the title on a daily basis (and today it's making me cringe a little).

I'll be sure to write more about my experience here soon.

Bye Bye Blackbird

2009-08-25T13:34:00.003-04:00

Today is my last day in Burlington....!!

It's been a wonderful day, too. The sky is so blue, and the sun is so warm, and it is the first day in a long time that I have absolutely no obligations or plans. I woke up before my alarm bright and early, and sat around in my pajamas until the sun peaked in the sky at high noon. I've been staying at a friend's place for the last few days (thank you Lauren and Becca!!!), and it's been a nice change from my regular routine. After feeling a bit antsy in the house, I walked down to Church street and took it all in. The busy movement of the lunch time crowd, the delicious smell from the street vendors, and the talented tunes from the performers all reminded me of how much I'll really miss this place. I took my time as I walked down the street -- it was a great way to say goodbye.

There has been a lot of change these last few days, and it will all culminate to a grand adventure as I pack up my life once again and move into a new city. After a week of RA training, I feel more than prepared to handle my RA duties, but I am still nervous about being somewhere completely new. I don't know what my new home looks like yet, and that alone is elevating my stress level. I'm doing my best to put those worries aside and stay positive -- adventures are always exciting, and this one has so much potential to shape my future that I need to welcome it with open arms.

But damnit, I'll miss this place.

2009-08-12T19:55:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about the horrible sacrifice that game designers and others in any office-type field have to endure. For almost 8 hours a day, those of us who work in offices have to sit down. We have to sit down for almost 8 hours! With my recent increase in hours at the EMC, I've really been feeling the hurt associated with this horrible, horrendously inert sacrifice -- and so has my butt.

I had my last day at work this past Thursday, so on the good side of things, my butt can recover. To be honest, though, I was very upset about leaving the project behind. I'm excited about what my future in Montreal has for me, but I can't help but feel uneasy about leaving things so unfinished. I really want to see the project to the end, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I return. I just have to keep going forward and reminding myself that things will work out in the end.

Due to a recent mixup, I've found myself at home moving half of my apartment back into my old room. The sweltering heat has left my brains a bit melted, but I'm surviving somehow. Nick and I drove down to his house on Thursday and enjoyed a leisurely weekend with his family and friends, topping off the weekend with his birthday bar-b-que and a day at the beach. As we drove back up to my house, all I could think about was my late cat, Max. I wondered where my Dad buried him, and I thought about asking him if he could plant a tree over his grave. I know that if that tree grew, it would have the most personality. Whenever the wind blew, it would be the first one to laugh as the wind tickled its leaves. It would always willingly give shade, and even sometimes, it would listen to you as you tell it your life story -- only sometimes, though.

I'll be leaving my house today without ever asking my father where Max was buried.

Want a Good Thrill?

2009-08-08T23:32:00.002-04:00

Go see Orphan. If you like scary movies, do it. It is disturbing, terrifying, intense, and the craziest thing about this movie is that it could happen.

Things are Changing!

2009-08-07T14:04:00.004-04:00

So many little things in my life have changed recently. I'm thinking of life in new perspectives. I'm seeing heaven in the moon and beauty in the power of next generation communication. I can't help but smile.

I know things are changing because of two small changes I've made recently:

1. I like spicy food. I never liked spicy food in the past, but I guess all I needed was a tasty meal from a group of friends and some self created social pressure to get me started. Everyone else is eating it without complaint, why can't I? Even though I was really feeling the heat, I kept my mouth shut about the pain until my eyes starting watering and I could finally say, "Wow, this is really spicy. "Everyone agreed strongly, and it was then that I knew I could handle the spice. Now, I have come to love it.

2. I started playing hard mode in Guitar Hero and Rock Band. The fifth fret always intimidated me, but now that I've practiced, I know I can handle that too. Nick and I would even play on score duel mode on expert, and I'd get anywhere from 50 - 80%. Granted, I can't really say that was because of any sort of developed skill -- if you press lots of buttons and hit the strum bar a lot, you're bound to hit some keys.

I know those are two things that seem like insignificant skills or interests, but I feel different. I'm on track to keep living life for today, so why wait for tomorrow?

Youtube seriously needs a repeat option for this song.

"We can’t both become the same pawn
That’s made to fall
Oil that tastes like blood
Stole the summer scent from me to you
You’re stabbing me through you
You’re stabbing you through him
And betting most of this world.
We’ll add enough of the world"
-Chevelle

Spirituality and Games

2009-07-31T21:08:00.003-04:00

I just took the Brain Lifestyle Quiz over at a really awesome, recently discovered website called FitBrains.com. It has a bunch of fun online games that get you thinking in creative ways, using the different areas of your brain, and claims to provide Guilt Free Fun!

In my opinion, video games should never make you feel guilty (in a perfect world). :o)

Anyway, below are my results.

"Strongest Area: SOCIALIZATION
Explanation of Results
Your strongest domain is Socialization. People who maintain a strong social network often engage in complex social interaction that encourages creativity, critical thought and emotional expression. These aspects all serve to stimulate the brain and keep it healthy
Famous people associated with a similar lifestyle emphasis
Oprah Winfrey, Angelina Jolie, Jay Leno, Hillary Clinton
Weakest Area: SPIRITUALITY
Suggested Activities: Encourage quiet time, breathe slowly, find purpose."

Oprah Winfrey and I have the same Myers Briggs personality type (ENFJ), which is a funny coincidence that makes me wonder if the this test and that one are related in any way. The results are interesting, because while I spend a lot of time thinking about spirituality, I find that it is very rare that I ever "pray" or feel spiritual. The end of last semester brought me to a point in my life where I felt like finding my spiritual path was truly important to me -- especially when I got onto an ice rink. The Secular and the Sacred class had me thinking about what I consider sacred, and one particular class got me interested in exploring creative ways of finding my spirituality, like going to a rave or meeting with a psychic. We were learning about all of these interesting ways that people express their faith, and since I feel like I'm in an grey area, I'm open to what's out there.

I wonder if there's a game out there about finding your spirituality. So often do we find that video games have a particular message within them - but what about questions? I'd imagine that a spiritually driven game wouldn't necessarily have any messages hidden within it; instead, the game would be about asking the player questions. There wouldn't be any answers.

Do designers think about what their games are asking instead of what they are telling? Does anyone make games that don't hold any answers? Would that be fulfilling enough for a player -- not having any answers?

I like the idea of creating a game that would help someone find their spirituality by asking them questions. I think I'll mull over this for a while.

The Tragic Flaw

2009-07-28T16:58:00.003-04:00

"I've decided that all game designers are masochistic." -- Max Nichols

Today, Max and I spent the majority of our 8 hour work day on creating a paper prototype to test every single AI calculation that each of the 10 players on a soccer field would go through. With 4 tabs of random number generators and about 25 sheets of paper containing each of the checks and rules for each individual player, we played until the synaptic gaps of the nerves in our brain began to grow larger as our intelligence dribbled out our ears -- it is at this time that I have reached the highest record of Tetris lines completed!

Things with the project on the whole are going really well. Max and I are beginning to work much more closely with Joel, our QA Lead, and will soon start meeting more frequently with the writers and programmers as well. The project still needs more money, and anyone interested in learning more about the project or are interested in donating, please visit the Empowering Play project website.

On another note, Ray Ortgeisen, a Champlain College student, got a very thought provoking blog post about serious games posted on Gamasutra yesterday. Since reading it, I have thought very heavily about how the language we use within the game industry affects how others perceive gaming culture and how the industry communicates with one another. The gist of his article states that separating certain games into a genre titled "serious" inherently states that all other games that are not within this genre are not serious -- which is false and rather insulting. I agree with him on this point, and I think it brings about the ever fervent issue about language within this community. Once my brains fully stop dribbling, I'll come to some conclusions about how we can change how we portray ourselves to the masses and about how we can better communicate what we aim to do as a medium. It is rather upsetting that social stigmas against video games cause the industry to respond with somewhat discriminatory acts -- just like creating a genre called "serious games". If everyone could just accept that all games have the potential to be serious, perhaps then a different term would be used when describing the characteristics that serious games have.

I do think that the Tragic Flaw of the video game industry is the business nature of it sometimes. I also think that a flaw (but not a tragic one) of video game designers is our need to create something and completely destroy it though analyzation -- hence, masochism. While Max said that in jest, it is true, and we should all just sigh, laugh, and love that we do it. Unlike a tragic flaw, our ability to do so will lead us to greatness.

Wii Sports Resort

2009-07-27T17:18:00.002-04:00

This might be embarassing to admit, but my arms are sore from Wii Sports Resort.

It's that good.

Enough said.

2009-07-21T17:18:00.003-04:00

Things are back in full swing with the UN project and it feels great. Just a week away from the EMC felt like a really long time once I got back, but I'm not going to lie, I loved having a vacation. I went up to Maine for the weekend and had an amazingly relaxing time. I got to spend time reading, canoeing, and sitting around a fire. Nick's family is wonderful, and spending time with them is really rewarding.

Yesterday I started doing plyometrics. All I have to say is that I am sore. Very very sore.

2009-07-10T10:26:00.002-04:00

Today I am embarking on my first camping trip in years! I'll spend three nights in the backyard of a stranger, roasting 3 pigs and dancing in merriment.

Pennsylvania, here I come!

Being Green and Caring About it

2009-07-09T21:34:00.002-04:00

Last night Ann DeMarle invited the whole EMC to her gorgeous house for a good-bye party for Heather Kelley and the UN project. It was a lot of fun; there was great food, great people, and relaxation in the air. The clouds even went away for a few hours so we could spend some time in the sun.

On the way home, Ken, Lauren, Nick and I got into a discussion about consumerism, recycling and waste, and I told them about something I witnessed earlier that day.

A woman was sitting at a bus stop banging her new box of ciggaretts on her hand before opening them up. The sound made a loud "slap slap slap" against her flesh, and it was difficult to ignore. She tore off the plastic and threw it on the ground, opened up the box and lit one up. The plastic covering sat there in a static pile, waiting for the wind to blow and take it out of sight, out of mind. -- I was immediately infuriated. She was far away from me (luckily), but I said out loud to myself "Are you kidding me?!".

This story sparked a discussion about how to approach someone about this kind of issue. It's difficult to determine how exactly one person would react to anothe person's cares, but you cannot force someone to change out of guilt. They must want to change in order to actually change their habits. Going up to them and telling you why this is important to you might work, right?

It seems possible, but then I brought up something that I think about a lot. At GIV we did an exercise where we wrote down what we thought was a major problem in the world today. I wrote down "Apathy". I truly think that apathy is one of the largest problems with people all over the world. Somehow along the way people just stoped caring.

So let's say I went up to that woman and I said to her like, "I noticed that you threw your trash on the ground. " She could just respond "I don't care." Her saying that would be saying "I don't care what you think. I don't care about where this plastic came from, where it's going, what it could do to the earth." And that infuriates me.

It's not the fact that she's littering that really bothers me here, it's the fact that she (potentially) doesn't care.

I got into an email discussion with a friend a long time about about morality. He discussed how it really bothers him that a government decides what is right and wrong and what those punishments are. In an ideal society, each person would decide those things for themselves. And I brought up how in an ideal society, emotion could be that moral compass for us all.

But what about those who don't care?

2009-07-06T10:47:00.001-04:00

Since a few days ago, I am no longer a teenager. It doesn't feel very different, though.

My cat died yesterday. He was 16 years old. He just curled up on the porch and passed, as far as my parents know. He wasn't eating for the past 4 months, and when I went home for my birthday, he looked like a kitten again.... he was so small and skinny. It was horrible to see. He's the only cat I've ever had, and I don't remember not having him. I couldn't even pet him when I saw him. I didn't want to remember him like he was when I saw him a few days ago.

My dad buried him somewhere on our property.

2009-06-27T15:15:00.003-04:00

Oh-My-Gosh busy.

This past week with the students at the GIV-IT summer camp has been so awesome and so incredibly memorable. Unfortunately, I have hardly slept, and this extreme lack of rest is rapidly catching up with me.

Yesterday evening, Ann, Joel and I presented about the UN Project to the Champlain College Board of Trustees, and among the audience was Jeff Rutenbeck, the Dean of CCM, and Angela Batista, the Director of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion. Everyone was so friendly to chat with during the dinner, and they were incredibly receptive to our open discussion style presentation. They loved hearing about my trip to South Africa, our experience with pre-testing with Winooksi Middle School students, and developing the game that has the potential to change the world. Presenting to this group was a huge confidence boost in several ways. They revitalized my hope that I have for this project, and they gave me so many compliments on my public speaking that I will approach any presentation with more confidence.

All in all, things with GIV have been great, especially since the Trustees' presentation. One more day left, and then it's time for some rest.

GIV, UN, Father's Day Galore!

2009-06-21T11:05:00.002-04:00

HERE, LIVE from GIV!

I am having a blast on the Champlain College campus this week being an RA at the Governor's Institute of Technology: Information Technology. This is where a group of high school students come together to learn about a diverse array of skills in programs like Maya, Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, and Unity 3D. As an RA, I get to go to each session to bring the students to where they need to be and hang out with them as they learn (and I learn) about all this awesome stuff.

The campers are a blast, and hanging out with the RAs is equally as fun. We have very long days (6:30am to 11:30PM), but it hasn't phased me yet. I know I'll be dead asleep by the end of the week, though.

The only problem with having GIV this week is that this is the last week to wrap up everything for UN, so poor Max Nichols has to crank out a lot of the documentation on his own. Luckily, we may be able to continue working for the first week of July, although it's not guaranteed.
I'm also presenting at the Champlain College Trustees Dinner this Thursday, so preparing for that is difficult with little time in my day. It'll work out, though.

Today is Father's Day, so don't forget to say hi to your dad. I'm going to call mine soon.

2009-06-15T07:16:00.002-04:00

Design documentation galore! The UN design doc is our deliverable for the next two weeks (EEK!), and I've been doing my best to crank away at it. It's a pretty hefty design, the largest I've designed and documented this extensively, at least. I do, however, secretly love documentation.

The creative director of the project reminded us recently to add visuals into the documentation, and it's challenged me to think of ways to portray a lot of what we're writing into visuals. It may not be necessary, but its a neat exercise to try to come up with ways to say the same thing in a visual way. Sometimes, though, visuals can hurt more than they can help, so we've gotta be careful in crafting some good aids.

With the project coming to a long pause, I've found myself getting a little nervous. I won't have a job now, which means it's time to go job hunting. My biggest worry with the hunt is coming from the fact that I can only be hired for a month and a half and then its off to RA training and Montreal. Who will hire me for that long? I've gotta get out there anyway and see if something comes around. I'm crossing my fingers!

2009-06-12T23:41:00.004-04:00

Today brought a lot of rethinking.

"Things aren't always as they seem", right? Well what if things seem perfect? That saying, while it can be used to console, it can also be used as a warning. What this saying means is that sometimes we don't see the truth. We are blind to the fact that some perfect things in our lives are lies (and vice versa of course).
So when something only seems perfect, sometimes it can't be -- it isn't true. No matter how many great things can come from the illusion, it lacks the verity to merit it worthwhile, right?

Well maybe sometimes we don't need that reminder that things aren't always as they seem, and I'm not convinced that illusions can't be exactly what I need sometimes.

I thoroughly recommend the band Flunk to anyone who is interested in unique female Norwegian vocalists and has an eclectic taste in electronic/rock/indie music. I just got a lot of their music, and I'm liking a lot of it so far. It's neat and new for me.

The Sims 3, Lost, and Sleepiness

2009-06-07T23:02:00.005-04:00

I confess,
It's not like I haven't thought about updating....
It's just that......
I'm LOST. I have to admit that the television show titled Lost has completely taken over my life. I'm lost in Lost.

Also, The Sims 3 came out, and it's been difficult to hinder my curiosity. There is a lot to explore, and I feel like even after almost a week I haven't even scratched the surface. I want to know and master all areas of it. There is so much to it.

Things with the UN project seem like they're coming to a close, and I don't like it. We're just getting started! Preproduction is wrapping up (allready!), which means there's a whole lot more ahead. To think that the project is being put on pause urkes me. I really hope that things come through for the rest of the summer, even though hope is slowly fading. If not, the project seems like it'll start back up again in January, which is convieniently when I return back from my semster abroad in Montreal.

Many things have happened recently. I'm learning to cook in the way that I can now improvise recipes, and it's exciting. I have to admit that I just pictured myself in front of the oven with a meter above my head and a flashing plus sign (like in the Sims). I think that means it's time for bed.

2009-05-19T23:48:00.001-04:00

The UN team played soccer today, and I think I have found a new hobby. Thanks for helping create the perfect day, team!

2009-05-14T17:51:00.003-04:00

I often see things that I want to take pictures of and wish I had a camera.

Today I realized that so much of the time the picturesque image I see is influenced by the music playing in the background, or the way the clouds are moving in the sky, or the feeling I have in my heart.

Perhaps that's what photographers are continually attempting to capture: the sounds, the movement, the feelings.

Moving

2009-05-11T09:30:00.002-04:00

This weekend has been HECTIC! Saturday was graduation for the seniors, and I went and watched most of my good friends walk and receive their diplomas. From there, I spent the whole day with families, celebrating the graduates' achievements. Yesterday was perhaps the longest day of moving I have ever experienced, and today I woke up sore and sleepy. After a delicious breakfast at The Skinny Pancake in downtown Burlington, Nick, Kate and I made our way over to Spinner Place to begin the moving process. From 12 - 9:30PM (not exactly straight, but almost), we were packing up my things, packing up the car, and packing up my new life here in 414. After that long day, there was no way I was going to start unpacking. (See picture below). This next week is going to be a long one because of that. It is incredibly exciting to have my own place, though, despite not having any silverware, cookware, dishes, or normal everyday necessities. There are so many things that I never realized I had until now because I don't have them anymore. I'll have to start making a list.

This is what my apartment looks like this morning, and with work and festivities going on later this evening, I wonder if that will change by tomorrow.

2009-05-06T17:37:00.000-04:00

Today was a fabulous day at work! Work really is a pick me up, especially today. I felt like a lot of great things got accomplished, and now that RA training is complete (for now), I am able to completely focus on game development.

A large part of why today was so exciting is because of our newbies! The UN project just hired some new artists, programmers, QA and a designer to the team, added on top of our new writers we hired a few weeks ago, and we had an informal "welcome" meeting today. I'm crossing my fingers for more funding to help this awesome team succeed and continue on through completion. There were a LOT of applicants, and the competition was crazy. I'm looking forward to seeing what we can accomplish.

How can't we succeed with awesome smiles like that? (Welcome, Joel, our new QA Lead!)

Tomorrow, bright and early, we're making our first trip up to the middle school where we'll be doing our focus testing in a few weeks. I'm excited to scope out the location and get some more information on how we can truly make the most out of our testing.

2009-05-06T01:52:00.000-04:00

psst it's 2am and I'm still awake.

2009-05-05T23:16:00.008-04:00

I went on a nighttime adventure with Woven tonight. I generally really hate walking alone at night, but sometimes the walls itch and amplify my solitude. I like to watch the people, too. It helps. Hunger was my main motivation for heading out tonight, though. Damn, I'm hungry.

I'm not quite sure why I like this picture. The bright spot in the background is the light from the clock tower, but the streetlamp is drowning it out, and the porter-potty really draws your attention from the thing that is truly beautiful here.

It's 11:22, and I'm wondering why I haven't fallen asleep yet.

2009-05-04T22:44:00.003-04:00

Today was the first day of RA training for my next semester abroad in Montreal! It was an interesting experience, but it was dampened by the fact that I felt a little out of place -- I was officially hired just this last Friday, and a lot of the things discussed today didn't really apply to what my experience will be like in Montreal. I think tomorrow will go better, though, and I'm keeping my heart open to it all.

I started playing Oblivion, and I have to admit, the immensity of a video game has never intimidated me this much. There is a ridiculous amount of customization, and the world is so vast and complex that I am cautious of every action I take. I thought that getting the strategy guide would help me, but that thing is bigger than the Bible, and I'm not even sure where to start. I think I just need to give it more time to really allow the world to suck me in.

Last night I went and saw X-Men Origins and thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep in mind, I am not a huge X-Men fanatic and do not know much about the origins of characters such as Deadpool or what have you, but I found the movie to be quite entertaining and exciting. I suggest that if you have any liking for Hugh Jackman that you go see the movie and get blown away by his incredible acting skills (and his physical features =D).

Just before seeing the movie, Nick and I downloaded the X-Men Origins: Wolverine video game and I have to admit that it is the first game-based-off-a-movie that I have seen and been excited about. This is the real deal, in my opinion. This game is like God of War mixed with Prince of Persia: Sands of Time all nice and conveniently on my Xbox 360 for one time only. Seriously, people, I was pretty blown away. It is so fast paced, bloody, gorey, and made me feel like a badass. I love a good button masher, and this game totally tickles my fancy. I'm hoping that the full game lives up to the demo.

I've been addicted to the Trance station on my Pandora radio and I found a great dance CD that I highly recommend so far. It's called My Frequency by Mona Lisa Overdrive, and it is a great cd to put on in the middle of the day and dance around your room too.....(it's not like I did that today or anything...). Upbeat tunes with a heavy bass are great for working out, so I'm starting up a collection for this summer. Any suggestions?

Alive Again

2009-05-01T20:28:00.003-04:00

Fear not! As my post title suggests, I did NOT die and then come back to life (yet). Instead, my COMPUTER IS FIXED. And for FREE. As much as PC lovers love to bitch about Apple users, they can't deny that Apple has some of the best customer service/warranty deals out there. I got my computer fixed fo' free.

At this very moment I am taking a break from cleaning out my room so I can give a quick update. Unfortunately for my roommates, I've left a nice obstacle course of my stuff in the hallway, so I must be brief.

The main thing in gaming these days is twofold: we just went through a ton of interviews to add new artists, programmers, QA-ers and Web Development people to the UN project team. We should know who is chosen by this next Monday! I'm very excited to add a new designer to the team to focus on helping me complete the paper prototype.

The next main thing is that I finally purchased the Game of the Year edition of Oblivion. It has FINALLY gone down in price, and I'm looking forward to spending many hours on learning and mastering its mechanics and RPG systems. I also purchased the strategy guide to help me along the way.

As for now, I'm off to Manhattan Pizza and then to Nectars for a show. Not quite sure what the show is, but live music is almost always worth the money (unless it's a lot of money or a really bad show, of course).

What would Velma Dinkley do?

2009-04-20T18:31:00.004-04:00

Today has been an awful day. Absolutely horrendously disgustingly revolting.

On the bright side, I bought Scooby-Doo fruit snacks!!

Woven All Up

2009-04-19T23:10:00.005-04:00

"The best prophet of the future is the past"

I got a fortune today that I don't agree with.
I think the best prophet of the future is now.
Each moment.
Each choice I make.
Each glimpse of a chance that comes and goes and determines
Whether I'm going left or right,
Whether I'm going to smile or frown,
Whether I'll take another breath.
I think the best prophet of the future is now.

Woven
Do it.
Listen to Cosmonaut.
Then listen to Who Knows.
Do it.

"we travel on this road again
thinking like the cosmonaut
one hose for oxygen
and a suit to keep my ghost in"
-Cosmonaut

I've decided that the title of the mod I'd like to work on this summer is called "House of Lies". And I look forward to making that house lie to the player a lot. I'm really looking forward to figuring out how to create insanity within this game. As long as all things harmonize with the same goal, and the exploration leaves the player questioning themselves, then I think the point can get across. I have a lot more thinking to do about this, though. I have several ideas, but this puzzle can't be solved overnight.

"Who knows what's going to happen?"

2009-04-18T15:56:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth again, and I always end up coming to different conclusions. I've determined that there is definitely a difference between absolute truth and personal truth, but I'm not convinced that those two things can ever be the same. I know that it depends on who you ask, but because one person says that their faith is absolute truth, and another says it is personal, isn't it then a personal truth?

What about people who don't "believe" in something we consider absolute (like math?). Is there anyone out there who doesn't believe in math? Math is something that we've just sort of made up, right? Is absolute truth made up? Does that make it any less absolute?

What about personality traits? There are certain things that I know about myself, like the fact that I'm very sensitive about the little things that people do. But is that an absolute truth? What if one day I decide that I'm not sensitive about those things. Is it no longer a fact? Are only facts absolute truths?

I'm not quite sure yet. I haven't decided.

"Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful"
- Principia Discordia
A good friend of mine sent me that quote. I like it.

I just recently heard about a great band/singer yesterday and it's hitting the spot.
Rains

"Think about days
When happiness came
Through your eyes and into mine
Those were the best days of my life"

End of Semester Jitters

2009-04-09T10:48:00.005-04:00

The summer is approaching quickly, and I'm not quite ready for it yet. There are a million big mountains I have to climb before the end of the semester, and I don't want to break out my hiking boots.

I've recently rediscovered my love for House of Leaves, an incredible book by Mark Danielewski. I want to create a mod based around the main character of the book, and I have a few ideas how to translate that disjointed, psychological thriller into an interesting, mystery themed mod. The biggest challenge will be mimicking the feelings the book evoked. I really want the player to get the same sense of dread, the same sense of isolation, darkness, confusion, and insanity. Insanity -- perhaps the hardest of them all.

I went on a few adventures recently downtown, and each one brought with it a sense of clarity (and a nice full tummy). Being alone on a nice day really makes me appreciate the strangers around -- I really like to people watch.

On my way back up this most recent time, I think a few days ago, I found something on the sidewalk just outside of Edmunds Elementary School:

It looked like a bunch of confetti splattered all over the ground.

It was then that I decided that whenever something exciting ceases to exist, it always leaves something behind. A few days later when I went downtown the splat was still there. I hope that whichever little kid owned this whatever-it-was, he or she isn't reminded of its loss every time he or she walks to school. Poor kiddo.

I went into Pure Pop the other day and got tons of free stuff, including an awesome CD titled "P is for Panda Mixtape Vol. 1". Check out the P is for Panda website and grab the cd. It's good stuff.

Speaking of Pandas....

2009-03-23T22:46:00.004-04:00

Oh, many a things have changed, and I do admit that I have not quite the care around.

My computer is kaputz. Hopefully not forever.

Designing games again has kept me going this semester. Production 1 has me all jittery with excitement, and our game Writer's Block is the culprit. I am happy to see my ideas come to life, despite the idea that the meat of its existence is in my hands -- yes, I am the programmer. AS3, please do not be the death of me this year.

After a spurt of script writing, I am finally back in the swing of things as far as design goes for the UN project. Yesterday we had a meeting dedicated solely to game design, and my heart was fluttering. The pie in the sky for this concept is oh so tasty (and oh so far away). We'll be lucky if we can produce what we've designed thus far, but the complexity is what excites me. I'm crossing my fingers.

I am too cold to sit here and write much more. I won't be able to write here as much now that my laptop is on vacation.

The sky got me writing today.

Grammar Math

2009-02-25T20:33:00.002-05:00

This semester has brought with it momentous amounts of change allready! It is amazing how the ebb and flow of life always comes back to that equilibrium at some point or another. Things have been pulling me in both directions yet I am tranquil and serene despite the build up of work.

I have two BIG deliverables for the end of this week, and I am SO PUMPED. Our UN prototype is coming to a close, and we've really nailed down what we want to say in the script. The artists are working on overdrive now to get all of the assets done for the end of the week, at which time I'm hoping we will all go out for a bit and then play FEAR 2!
The IBM project is bulding towards a presentation tomorrow where we'll pitch for more funding. We're doing a dry run through at the IBM location here, and after we get back from break we'll have the real deal. Hopefully I can speak tomorrow -- I am sick, and from observing what is going around, it seems likely that I'll lose my voice.

Things with classes are going really well. I have 100% decided to adventure up to Montreal for a semester abroad, and I couldn't be more excited. I am terrified, too, but it is something that I have to do.

I realized that when I make typos during instant messanging conversations I generally spit out a series of grammar math equations to fix my error. For instance, I would ask "How are yoi?" and would immediately say afterwards " -i, +u".

I want to write a poem in that style soon. I think it would be a great writing exercise.

The only other update that I have is to say that a good friend of mine started emailing me and I am very pleased about it. We don't get to see each other often, so writing back and forth makes me feel like we aren't losing touch. I really enjoy it.